I Sub

Yesterday I received my first substitute teaching assignment. It was my first time in a classroom as anything other than a student. I got the call from the automated system at 7:15am. The assignment: American History from 7:30am until 2:30am. Wouldn't you know it my first asignment was at the high school that I grew up three blocks away from. The high school that boasts such luminaries as Skins, Whatta, and my sister among it's graduates. The high school that, where it not for my enlightened decision to transfer to the mighty mighty Mac, I too would have attended.

I showered, dressed in my shirt and tie, and left my apartment in about twelve minutes. A respectable time, but one that would not allow me to travel the 10 miles to school in 2 minutes. I phoned the office and told them that I was on my way. I arrived at the office and collected my instructions and the key to the classroom. As I walked from the office to the classroom I got a little nervous. I didn't want to appear nervous so I stopped in the hall way and took a deep breath. Then I rounded the corner.

There was another teacher taking role. She was glad to see me. She showed me the absent teacher's lesson plan, a stack of hall passes, and the attendance sheets. Then she was gone and my learning experience began.

The first two periods are Sophmores. Idiocy is referred to as sophmoric for a reason. Luckily my orders are to put them in their study groups so that they can exchange notes for Friday's test. I am baby sitting.

I was curious to see how high school had changed since my time. Not much. It was like I was transported into a John Hughes film (I resisted the urge to do my Ben Stien, "Bueller?" impersonation).

Editor's Note: One difference: I had to start every period with, "I want all cell phones, ipods, or other personal digital devices turned off and put away."

I actually had a kid throw something across the room. I wanted to say, "Are you kidding me? Throwing something across the room when the sub turns his back? How cliche'. Get some imagination kid." but I resisted all urges to display a sense of humor. It wasn't easy. Three quick stories...

3rd period:
Kid: Can I go to the nurse?
Me: What's wrong?
Kid: I want to go home and change.
Me: confused, "Why?'
Kid: I got something on my shirt and I need to go home and change.
Me: That sounds like something that can wait until after class. What's wrong with your shirt?
Kid: I'm not going take off my sweater and show you.
Me: I can't give you a pass.
Kid: grabbing a pass off the desk, "I'm going to write myself a pass."

I tell the kid that I will inform the office that he left campus without permission and leave a note for the teacher that he did not attend class. he drops a "Whatever" on me and leaves.

4th period:
The first kid to arrive in class is a young girl with a chest that would have made Dolly Parton break out in song about her rocky mountains. When she sat down they were resting on her desk. She is seated front and center directly in front of the teacher's desk. I decided that Mr. T's seating chart was not haphazardly put together. This is a test. I sit in the back of the class for most of the period.

6th period:
One of the basketball players is chatting up all three girls around him. As I pass his desk I hear him complain as he stretches out, "My knee is sore from dunking last night."
I want to stop and question his dunking ability as he is not taller than 5'7" but all of my concentration is on not allowing my eyes to roll. I keep walking. I think to myself, "Does that weak shit actually work for you?" I can see by the looks on the girls faces that it does.

Oh. That's the bell. It's two o'clock. Time to go...

The Crew; Pimpin' in Purple

My Buddy Weeks (lower right with ginormous ears and shit-eating grin) has officially upgraded my forehead to a "six head". We have made plans to set up a projector and watch the wedding video on it later this month.

I told them that suspenders keep your belly from protruding below your vest, but did they listen? No.