St. Patrck's Day Massacre

St. Patrick’s Day was a whirlwind of activity. Probably the only person surprised by this was me. I just wasn’t expecting much. The lone black man in our office, whom I’ve nicknamed “Token”, invited everybody to join him at Maloney’s in Tempe after work for happy hour. I wasn’t crazy about this idea. Maloney’s is a college bar on ASU’s campus and I like the bar itself but I don’t like going there much anymore. I feel I have become the guy in his late twenties that is a little too old to be there. I used to make fun of that guy.

Maloney’s makes a very big deal out of St. Patrick’s Day. They cover the parking lot with a huge tent, throw up some green bunting, have live music, and charge 20 bucks at the door. Despite the abysmal parking situation, $5.00 green Miller Lights, and sea of frat dueches in tight green T-shirts with gay things like “Irish Beer Drinking Team” printed on them I was enjoying myself.

I shot the shit with some of my coworkers that I don’t normally hang out with outside of work. I had the beginnings of a nice beer buzz going and we all joined in a rousing game of “make fun of the fat girl riding the mechanical bull.” Good times. Also I should say here that ASU offers world class eye-candy. Second to none. Seriously, it’s ridiculous.

Whattta, stop reading now.

I was pleasantly surprised that I was having a good time. I was walking towards the bar to get another beer when out of nowhere I see her…BAM! I would have paid a large amount of money to see the gold medal worthy double take that I performed. It was Special K. Special K is atop a very short list of women I’ve known in my lifetime whose presence actually makes it hard for me to function. It really gets my attention when a woman’s smile causes a physical reaction in my gut rather than just my penis. K has that effect on me. Moreover, she always has. We went to high school together. I had a huge crush on her then but in high school I was Mitch from Dazed and Confused without the hair. I was incapable of pulling the trigger.

After high school I didn’t have any contact with her for 6 years. I found a comfort zone with the Iowa farmers’ daughters in college and really hit my dating stride in the first few years after college. When we crossed paths again at the Christmas party of a mutual friend I was a confident guy. We started spending some time together meeting for lunch and talking on the phone. Turned out we worked out at the same gym. I started doing my workouts in the mornings before work. For 6 months I went to the gym 5 days a week at 5am. I even took an ab class. Things were going great. We went out a few times but I made the decision to hold off on the romantic overtures and try to build a foundation of friendship. Retarded move. Next thing I know its 6 months later and we’re “just friends”. One morning we’re both on elliptical machines and she tells me, “You’ve been in here every morning for, like, 6 months. I’m really impressed.” I lost it a little bit. In one of the most embarrassing moments of my life I attempted to tell her that she was the reason for my new found discipline. She was noticeably uncomfortable and attempted to change the subject. I stopped going to the gym and I didn’t see her for nearly a year until our high school reunion. She gave me a hug, we made small talk, and she told me her number was the same and I should stop being such a stranger. I never called. That was in August.

Editor’s note: This post is getting away from me. I’m no longer sure if I started with a point.

Meanwhile, back at Maloney’s; She was pleasant. She gave me a hug and smiled as if happy to see me but I had a stomach punch moment. She looked great. She played soccer in college and runs ironman events for fun. I haven’t worked out regularly since I left that gym and have developed man boobs (also known as moobs). She is very smart and has found some success as a business consultant. I had to admit that I was quitting my job and didn’t have another one yet. I didn’t feel real good about myself at that moment. She asked me if I wanted to join her and her friends inside the bar and all I could think to say was, “I’ve seen it.” WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!
Once again she told me that her number has not changed and I should call her some time. Then she was gone.