Next Time Get a Reservation

The great thing about international travel is that you get a chance to experience different cultures. You take time to learn about the local people and their customs. Everything is different. The food is different. The architecture is different. The age of consent is different. The important thing is that while we may be speaking different languages and I may be a foot and a half taller than anyone in your country we all agree on one thing; It takes skin to win. It is with this spirit of discovery that I want to share with you what I learned on my trip to the tiny hamlet of Ensenada, Mexico.

The road from Tijuana to Ensenada is a windy two lane adventure. When the driver, who's got one hand on the wheel and one on his Bud heavy tall boy, slams the parking break, pulls a 180 into the parking lot sending a shower of gravel 30 ft in all directions, and exclaims, "I can't believe we made it here alive!?" it kinda sets the tone for the weekend.

I discovered that Mexican hotel reservation systems SUCK ASS!

Four guys rolling down the main drag with the windows of their Camry rolled down blaring Bananarama's "Cruel Summer" is gay in any culture. Niiiicce.

I learned that Spicoli included Bananarama, "Forever Young", and Michael Jackson (not once but TWICE) on his ipod play list and didn't find anything wrong with this.

I learned that Modelo Especial is a perfectly acceptable breakfast drink.

I discovered that if a drunk American chick throws Mardi Gras beads at you and you laugh at her and walk away ignoring the beads as they lie on the ground she will drive to the end of the street, double back, and heave a 3/4 full can of Dr. Pepper at your head.

I learned that a complimentary bottle of tequila is 90% water.

I learned that old Mexican men like US pop culture.
explanation: An elderly local gentleman helped us find an ATM machine. He then remarked on the sight of Boo, who is short, and I standing next to each other with this beauty, "Ha! Like Twins. Es Schwarzenegger y Devito. Ha!" I countered with The Karate Kid, "Hey, you don't come into my dojo, drop a challenge, and leave old man!" He laughed, called me "Gordo" and disappeared into the crowd.

Boobs for Beads is an American phenomenon. Only the white women were down with this.

I learned that when you meet a girl in a bar and she starts the conversation with, "Hi. I'm Random." the heavy lifting is done. At this point you're just playing the waiting game. Even I couldn't screw this one up.

I learned that when you're riding a 72 hour beer buzz the phrase, "That is one big mother fucking flag!" never gets old.
I was surprised to learn that no one parties harder than the 50 something cruise ship patrons "straight off the boat from Minnesota".

As it turns out a hot dog wrapped in bacon with mayo, grilled onions, and diced tomatoes is the best drunk food that 10 pesos can buy.

When your translator explains, "He wants to know if you want to go home with him." and the girl responds, "No." you just wasted an hour speaking english to a native Mexican.

I learned that I can withstand (only) 55 volts of electricity.

Apparently "steak, eggs, and dick" is not on the menu at La Portuga Restaruante'.

I learned that when a Mexican street vendor yells out, “You wanna look at my junk!” it doesn’t mean what it does in the states.

I learned that drinking a 64 oz. rum and coke, 62 ounces of which consist of rum, can lead to the dreaded phrase, “What’s the matter? Are you crying?”

I discovered that PZ gets ashy and has to “moisturizer up” before he goes out.

I found that if you repeatedly dismiss stacks of 50 peso notes as "monopoly money" you will regret it later.

I learned that at Anthony’s $20 goes to the house.

I learned that one should not wear a Mexican wrestling mask while attempting to cross the border in Tijuana. Border Patrol has no sense of humor.

La Fonda has the best all you can eat buffet EVER. They have all you can drink bloody Marys people!

I learned that no matter how many bars you hit, tequilas you shoot, or randoms you hook up with nothing beats a sunny afternoon chillin’ on the deck with your boys and a beer watching the dolphins swim and the tide roll in. Best part of the trip; hands down.

Finally, I learned that if you find yourself in the middle of telling a story and you realize that it’s kinda pointless, and you’re not really sure where you were going with it in the first place it is perfectly acceptable to abruptly end it with, “and Airwolf had to come in and take him out.”