Is there a plumber in the House?
A funny thing happened while I was writing about house hunting yesterday. I took a dump. This is not funny in and of itself. The resulting chaos, however, left me no choice but to laugh. One of those I can’t believe this. It could only happen to me kind of laughs that starts off as a resignation to your fate. You need to laugh at this. Then it slowly builds as others around you start to acknowledge the absurdity of the moment and chuckle with you. Then you’re cracking up. Your stomach starts to hurt from the contractions and you’re trying to catch your breath. Still laughing, people are leaving the room so that they can call friends and relay the story ensuring that this moment will live on forever in drunken recantations, embarrassing nicknames, and random ill-timed one-liners for the rest of your life. It is then that you realize you might as well write about it on your blog. Because seriously, why not.
I want to start by saying that the toilets in this house have always been a little bit temperamental. There have been cloggings. There has been plunging. There have been instances of overflowage. It has been a source of tension in the house. Accusations have been made and lectures given. I feel I have done my part. I have experimented more than an MIT grad student. I used less paper. I tried different combinations like dump, flush, wipe, flush. On one, shall we say, more dangerous mission I even attempted the bathroom version of the Triple Lindy. I pinched it off half way through, flushed, then completed the transaction, and flushed again. I then stuck the landing with a final wipe and flush. These strategies have worked to varying degrees but seriously should this be necessary?
So I stopped in the middle of typing a post to go to the bathroom. Numbers 1 and 2. When I finished there was a half flush. The offensive material started to go down then stopped and the bowl started to refill with water from the tank. I didn’t panic at this point. Sometimes it drains slowly. I decide to give it a little time. My roommate entered the bathroom to discover my nasty surprise. It hadn’t drained. I plunged and flushed. No dice. The bowl just filled with more water. I plunged some more. I removed the top of the tank and clipped the hose to a 64 oz. soft drink cup from the kitchen. I figured this would allow the bowl to drain while not refilling with water and avoid overflowing. It didn’t work. The opposite happened as the bowl overflowed. And flowed. And flowed. By the time it stopped flowing there was an inch of standing shitty water in the bathroom. So much that it was saturating the carpet in the hallway.
Wait. It gets worse.
It is at this point that Skins, who had been napping, drops the bomb. He informs me that there are people coming over to view the house. Right now. Fuuuuuuucccckkkk!!!!!
I switched into natural disaster response mode. I started by using the 64 oz. cup to bail the foulness out of the toilet and into the bathtub. Skins was able to get the toilet to flush by violently ramming a toilet brush into the hole until the obstruction was dislodged. I then started bailing water from the floor into the tub using the cup. When the standing water was nearly gone I started using the mop.
It is at this point that I heard people being let in the front door. Thinking quickly I shut the bathroom door and turned on the shower. I continued to wipe the floor with towels. I had turned the shower knob all the way without thinking so the room was starting to get pretty steamy. I got the bathroom to a point where I felt it looked somewhat presentable but I don’t know what to do with all of the stuff. I set to work attempting to hide the cup, the bucket, the mop, and several wet towels. I had been in the bathroom between 10 and 15 minutes and I couldn’t take the steam any longer. I decided it was time to come out. I wrapped a towel around my waist and splashed some water in my hair. I turned off the shower and came out of the bathroom. The prospective buyers were gone but my roommates were in the living room laughing at me.
I was informed that they asked to see the bathroom, but were told that I was in the shower. My clever ruse was all for not though. The saturated hallway carpet gave me away. Skins admitted that the toilet had clogged and overflowed. Needless to say I don’t think that they’ll be submitting a bid
I want to start by saying that the toilets in this house have always been a little bit temperamental. There have been cloggings. There has been plunging. There have been instances of overflowage. It has been a source of tension in the house. Accusations have been made and lectures given. I feel I have done my part. I have experimented more than an MIT grad student. I used less paper. I tried different combinations like dump, flush, wipe, flush. On one, shall we say, more dangerous mission I even attempted the bathroom version of the Triple Lindy. I pinched it off half way through, flushed, then completed the transaction, and flushed again. I then stuck the landing with a final wipe and flush. These strategies have worked to varying degrees but seriously should this be necessary?
So I stopped in the middle of typing a post to go to the bathroom. Numbers 1 and 2. When I finished there was a half flush. The offensive material started to go down then stopped and the bowl started to refill with water from the tank. I didn’t panic at this point. Sometimes it drains slowly. I decide to give it a little time. My roommate entered the bathroom to discover my nasty surprise. It hadn’t drained. I plunged and flushed. No dice. The bowl just filled with more water. I plunged some more. I removed the top of the tank and clipped the hose to a 64 oz. soft drink cup from the kitchen. I figured this would allow the bowl to drain while not refilling with water and avoid overflowing. It didn’t work. The opposite happened as the bowl overflowed. And flowed. And flowed. By the time it stopped flowing there was an inch of standing shitty water in the bathroom. So much that it was saturating the carpet in the hallway.
Wait. It gets worse.
It is at this point that Skins, who had been napping, drops the bomb. He informs me that there are people coming over to view the house. Right now. Fuuuuuuucccckkkk!!!!!
I switched into natural disaster response mode. I started by using the 64 oz. cup to bail the foulness out of the toilet and into the bathtub. Skins was able to get the toilet to flush by violently ramming a toilet brush into the hole until the obstruction was dislodged. I then started bailing water from the floor into the tub using the cup. When the standing water was nearly gone I started using the mop.
It is at this point that I heard people being let in the front door. Thinking quickly I shut the bathroom door and turned on the shower. I continued to wipe the floor with towels. I had turned the shower knob all the way without thinking so the room was starting to get pretty steamy. I got the bathroom to a point where I felt it looked somewhat presentable but I don’t know what to do with all of the stuff. I set to work attempting to hide the cup, the bucket, the mop, and several wet towels. I had been in the bathroom between 10 and 15 minutes and I couldn’t take the steam any longer. I decided it was time to come out. I wrapped a towel around my waist and splashed some water in my hair. I turned off the shower and came out of the bathroom. The prospective buyers were gone but my roommates were in the living room laughing at me.
I was informed that they asked to see the bathroom, but were told that I was in the shower. My clever ruse was all for not though. The saturated hallway carpet gave me away. Skins admitted that the toilet had clogged and overflowed. Needless to say I don’t think that they’ll be submitting a bid
posted by Pudge | 7:02 PM
2 Comments:
Whatever happened to the saying, "Some things are just better left to the imagination."?
Where would Paris Hilton be today if she had listened to that kind of advice?
She'd be an obscenely wealthy hotel heiress with slightly less exposure. Nevermind, bad example.
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