My attempt at writing erotica

In this film I will play myself and do all of my own “stunts”
Some digital editing will be required to flatten my abs and add two inches to my penis to bring it to a full eleven; industry standard.

We open on me, buff and bearded, oozing raw masculinity like a young Chuck Norris on leave from Delta Force. I wait impatiently sitting behind the wheel of my black Ford F-350 Supercab 4x4 with the 6” suspension lift and oversized off road tires. Pacing back and forth in the back seat is my beloved black lab Satch, named after famous negro-leaguer Satchel Paige.

A convertible pulls in the drive and out steps a 24 year old Catherine Zeta Jones. She has just come from the gym and is running late. She climbs in the cab and with a kiss she apologizes as there was no time to change out of her bike shorts and sports bra. “That’s gonna cost you.” I say with a playful smile as I press the accelerator and spray gravel across the yard.

As we barrel down the highway surrounded on all sides by gorgeous mountain scenery ’93 Catherine Zeta is apologizing profusely to my penis for her tardiness. The driver of a passing eighteen wheeler witnesses this spectacle and expresses his boisterous approval with a tug on his air horn. Jonsie is not distracted.
Production note: The musical selection for this scene is “Eastbound and Down” by Jerry Reed from Smokey and the Bandit.

Catherine, Satch, and I arrive at a quaint log cabin nestled among the tall pines. The interior of the cabin is completely decorated in a tasteful Realtree camo pattern; furniture, window dressings, bedding, etc…We are both travel weary and agree that a candle lit bubble bath is just what the doctor ordered. This is a family blog so I will just say that this scene involves lots of suds, lots of splashing water, a snorkel, and ends with CJ and I tangled up in a camouflage shower curtain.

I wake early the next morning and leave Catherine naked and sleeping as I slip out of the cabin. At first light I spot a massive 10 point trophy buck from my deer stand and drop him where he stands at fifty yards with a single broadhead just behind the shoulder blade. I emerge from the tree line with the buck draped across my shoulders. I toss the deer on the ground and remove my shirt. My large muscles glisten with sweat. As I take axe in hand and proceed to chop down a massive pine tree with three swift swings Zeta Jones watches through a kitchen window (She is fixing me a sandwich; Turkey and Muentser with chipotle mayo). She is consumed by my raw animal sex appeal and gives in to her desire. She slowly opens her robe and slides her hand between her taught thighs….

Just as I finish my turkey sandwich there is a knock at the door. Cathy opens it to find her old college roommate Carmen Elektra! She is thrilled to see her friend, as am I.

The girls decide to catch up on old times by taking the quads for a ride in a muddy field.
Production note: a montage of the girls riding atvs spraying mud everywhere is set to Gretchen Wilson’s hit single “Here for the Party”.

The scene culminates in a playful impromptu wrestling match that ends in a draw. As luck would have it the cabin is equipped with an outdoor shower. As the girls rinse mud from their perfect bodies they are compelled to relive their first lesbian experience from their freshman year at USC.

Later that evening the cabin is filled with laughter as the three of us trade tequila shots. Carmen has talked us into a game of strip Pai gow; Everybody wins! It isn’t long before the game devolves into a spirited manage a’ trios. We are a heaving panting mass of flesh with arms and legs sticking out in all directions. Following an earth shattering triple simultaneous orgasm the three of us collapse, exhausted, in a heap of cards, poker chips, and bodily fluids.
Production note: We will shoot this scene a second time, including Satch, for the unrated version.

I come to the next morning, Catherine and Carmen in my arms. We decide to leave the cabin in its state of disarray as it is a rental and the deposit has long since been lost. As we depart the cabin, returning to our mundane lives, we are already making plans to return for another wild weekend at Moose Knuckle Lodge.

Fade to credits…