Catch Up

I've been neglecting my blog pretty badly lately. Sadly, this is not for a lack of free time. Here are a few highlights to bring everybody up to speed.

• I had a meeting with several nice ladies that work in corporate communications. They said that corporate/marketing communications should be a relatively easy transition with my marketing degree and MBA. They advised me to take a journalism class, learn Photoshop/Pagemaker/Adobe, look at non-profit organizations for some experience, and to create a portfolio of writing samples. I printed my erotica and toilet postings to get me started.
• My former coworker that stuck me with the "serial killer" nickname sent me an email expressing his concern that I might be the Baseline Rapist.
• I was dismayed that after waiting to get my finger print card in the mail and driving downtown to get fingerprinted, I have to wait 4-8 weeks for the FBI to clear me and send me my I'm not a sexual predator card. Only then can I submit a stack of fingerprint cards, transcripts, and applications to be allowed to be a substitute teacher.
• I went out drinking on the west side with the whole crew for Spicoli's Bday. I was drunk + there was music + a dance floor = nothing good can happen. I danced with an attractive young girl who ended up giving me her phone number. She might have been 21, She just moved here from Utah and was the designated driver (read: Mormon), and I think she mentioned working in the mall. Also, she lives in Phoenix; A minimum of 35 miles from where I live. But here's the biggest reason why I didn't call her, so stop harrasing me Johnny Cakes, I lied to her. For the first time in my life I misrepresented myself to a woman. I told her that I was a high school English teacher and I had to drink on the west side to avoid being spotted by my students. I couldn't believe it even as I was saying it.
• In a moment of boredom/weakness I completed a Yahoo personals profile. I am unwilling to pay a fee to respond to my matches. Sweet Jesus! Are you kidding me with this Yahoo!? I live in the gorgeous woman capitol of the world! This is the best you could do!?

Editor's note: Thankfully Blogger isn't uploading my images correctly right now. I attempted to post pictures of some of the wildebeasts yahoo matched me with, but it didn't work.

• Spent an evening out drinking with PZ and the immortal Stonehenge. For the sake of time I'll just say that this spanned two calendar days, multiple towns, Mickey Hatcher's daughter, a severed nipple, copious amounts of Loaded Corona's (Add Margaritaville Island Lime to your Corona) and mind eraser shots, a sock puppet, driving into a river, and ended with the three of us having breakfast at a casino at 6AM and PZ saying, "Really? You were up $1200? And now nothing? That sucks. These tots are talkin' to a nigga."
• I was villified in my fantasy league for a blatant act of collusion with The hated Big Gay Al. All I can say is that my team improved and Al called another guy in our league a "clown fucker" which is still the best random nonsensical comeback I've ever heard. Touche'.